Becoming the Adult – Understanding the PAC Model

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you feel small, unsure, or completely reactive to someone else’s behaviour? Maybe you’ve been triggered by authority, or someone’s tone, and before you know it, you’re no longer thinking rationally but instead responding emotionally. This can happen when we slip into what’s known as the Child state in the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model.

What is the PAC Model?

The PAC model comes from Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological framework developed by Eric Berne. It suggests that we all operate from three main ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. Each of these states represents a different way of thinking, feeling, and behaving:

  • Parent: This state contains the rules, attitudes, and beliefs we’ve internalised from authority figures in our lives. It can be nurturing and supportive, or critical and controlling.

  • Adult: The Adult is logical, rational, and able to assess the present situation without being clouded by emotion or past experiences. This state helps us process information objectively and make decisions based on facts.

  • Child: The Child state holds our emotions, instincts, and experiences from childhood. It can be playful and spontaneous, but it can also be reactive, vulnerable, and easily triggered.

When We Slip Into the Child State

I recently had an experience where I found myself slipping into the Child state during a conversation with a teacher. Their behaviour triggered something in me—perhaps their authoritative tone or their manner—and suddenly, I felt small, unsure, and somewhat inferior. I realised that in that moment, I wasn’t responding from a place of reason or confidence. Instead, I was reacting emotionally and feeling vulnerable, just like a child.

This is a common experience. Often, when we encounter figures of authority or individuals whose behaviour reminds us of past experiences, we can involuntarily revert to a more childlike state. We might start to doubt ourselves, feel defensive, or find ourselves avoiding confrontation altogether.

The Desire to Be in the Adult State

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to stay in the Adult state during these situations? To be able to assess what’s happening without being affected by our emotions or past triggers? The Adult state allows us to stay present, think logically, and respond to the situation with clarity.

In the situation with the teacher, if I had been in the Adult state, I would have been able to observe the behaviour objectively and respond calmly, without letting their tone or authority unsettle me. The Adult doesn’t feel inferior or overwhelmed by the situation—it simply takes in the facts and responds appropriately.

How We Get Triggered into the Child State

It’s easy to be triggered into the Child state, especially when we’re dealing with situations that remind us of past experiences or when we feel powerless in the face of authority. A critical comment, an abrupt tone, or even a body language cue can be enough to bring us back to a time when we felt small, vulnerable, or less than.

It’s important to note that being triggered into the Child state doesn’t make us weak—it’s just a natural reaction. But the challenge lies in recognising when we’re slipping into this state and finding ways to shift back into the Adult, where we can assess the situation more clearly and regain control of our response.

How to Shift Back Into the Adult State

Here are some steps to help you shift from the Child state back into the Adult state when you’re triggered:

  1. Pause and Breathe: When you notice yourself getting emotionally overwhelmed, take a moment to breathe deeply and reset. This helps you create a gap between your emotional reaction and your response.

  2. Recognise the Trigger: Acknowledge that something in the situation has triggered you. You might feel defensive or vulnerable, but recognising this is the first step in moving back to the Adult state.

  3. Observe the Situation Objectively: Try to detach from the emotional reaction and focus on the facts. What is happening here? What’s the actual behaviour or message you’re receiving? How can you respond based on reason and logic, rather than emotion?

  4. Reframe the Experience: Shift your perspective. Instead of focusing on how the other person’s behaviour makes you feel, try to view the situation from a neutral standpoint. What would the Adult self say or do in this moment?

  5. Affirm Your Control: Remind yourself that you have the power to choose your response. You don’t have to react from the Child state. By consciously stepping into your Adult, you can maintain control of the situation and respond in a way that’s aligned with your values.

Moving Between States: The Power of Self-Awareness

One of the most powerful aspects of the PAC model is the awareness it gives us about how we shift between these ego states. It’s natural to move between Parent, Adult, and Child throughout the day. The key is to recognise which state we’re in and decide whether it’s serving us in that particular situation.

When we’re in the Adult state, we’re able to navigate situations more effectively, without getting swept away by emotion or past experiences. And when we recognise that we’ve slipped into the Child state, we can use tools like breathing, reframing, and self-reflection to move back to the Adult—where we can handle the situation with clarity and confidence.