Sugar & Spice & All Things ‘Nice’

We were all brought up in a society that asks us to be nice, to be polite, to respect authority, to seek approval. And to some degree these things are fine and good in society when in balance. They only become a problem when that ‘nice’ part of us—the part of us that craves acceptance, harmony, reassurance, the part that fears conflict and rejection takes control. Which can really limit our lives.

Are you too nice for your own good?

Do you:

  • Think no-one should have a negative thought or judgement about you?
  • Think no one should feel uncomfortable in your presence?
  • Think you should never feel angry or uncomfortable?
  • Think you should be nice and polite at all times and always smile and nod?
  • Think you should never hurt anyone else’s feelings?
  • Think there should be harmony at all costs?
  • Avoid difficult conversations? Conflict? Rarely challenge others?
  • Struggle to have boundaries and say no?
  • Fear endings so drag things out?
  • Refrain from voicing your feelings and needs?
  • Pretend you like things you don’t like to try to gain a new friend or partner?
  • Think others will leave you if you are less than perfect?
  • Worry that someone somewhere is upset with you? That you may have “done something wrong”?
  • Replay conversations in your mind, analysing how you came across?
  • Apologise more than is necessary? “politeness,” is often rooted in submissiveness.
  • Put others’ needs first?
  • Use submissive body language?

Are you shrinking yourself and your life to fit into an imagined version of acceptability? This will drain the joy out of your life, undermine your self-esteem, and create an underlying anxiety that never quite goes away…. Most of us don’t want to be submissive, to do as we’re told, to live by rules we don’t choose. We want to rule our own lives. There are real costs to people pleasing.

The Costs of People-Pleasing

  • Living in fear and shame – Fear of upsetting others, needing to create harmony at all times, feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions.
  • Never expressing your true thoughts or needs – Holding back to avoid conflict, leading to resentment.
  • Carrying stress and guilt – Constantly ruminating over past ‘mistakes’ and not living up to impossible standards of being a ‘good’ person.
  • Suppressing emotions – Pushing feelings down instead of addressing them.
  • Impact on health – Stress and emotional suppression can lead to physical illness.
  • Powerlessness – People-pleasing robs you of your impact and influence.
  • Stuck on the sidelines – Always waiting, never fully stepping into your own life.
  • Being ‘nice’ is passive – Niceness without boundaries can lead to self-sacrifice rather than authentic kindness
  • Chronic loneliness – isolation. When you’re being ‘nice’ this is a mask. We all seek to express our full selves with others.

There is another part of you—the Large ‘S’ Self.

This part knows that:

  • True belonging doesn’t come from pleasing everyone but just being you.
  • Your worth isn’t dependent on your appearance, success, or approval from others.
  • If someone disapproves, it’s about them, not you. People bring their own experiences, biases, and emotions into interactions. You don’t need to micromanage their reactions.
  • Standing up for what you believe in is more important than avoiding discomfort.
  • Healthy relationships can handle honesty. Friction is part of connection.
  • You give your best, knowing it is enough.

This full version of yourself is you in your power. You when most free, alive, attractive and successful.

When your Approval Seeker flares up

When the urge to shrink, apologise, or people-please takes over—you can meet it with kindness. Instead of letting it run the show, you can remind it that you are already whole, already worthy, and already enough.

What are the rules you live your life by?


Start to uncover the rules that you unconsciously believe determine if you’re a good or bad person, loveable or unlovable. What are your ‘shoulds’?

What should you be, do, not do, think, feel?

Here are some of mine: I should be grateful, happy, ever sexually ready, pretty, make an effort, look for the good, try and make things better, always be right, i should not get angry, i should never upset anyone, smile a lot, build rapport, not disagree, be more confident, have more money, a house, a family, a partner, not make a mistake……etc

Who made these rules?

Of course these are household/society rules of kindness and politeness but they can be destructive to us and our happiness. Which rules do you choose to live by? Bringing your rules and ‘should’s into the light can help you to see how realistic/unrealistic they are. It’s ok to keep those that affirm your core values, but maybe it’s time to start to challenge those that make you feel less free and alive. This can be tricky to decipher initially, for example; ‘I should not hurt other people’s feelings’ – at any cost? This isn’t a great rule! What if they want to do something you don’t want to do? Do you put their feelings before your own? Change the wording from should to prefer. To make it softer for yourself. You matter!

Falling Short & Forgiving Yourself
Living with this many rules can make you feel like you’re continually falling short. Rather than feeling bad about this, it’s time to forgive yourself. You may have been raised to believe that punishing yourself enough will make things better. But when you feel terrible inside, how much energy do you really have to take control of your life—your exercise, your eating, your drinking, your plans to make life better? Or do you just head straight to the fridge, the bottle, or the cigarettes?

Stepping Into a Fuller Life
Maybe your truth is just as important as anyone else’s? Maybe it’s time for your to take up some space? Maybe it’s time to trust that you are not here to be universally liked, you are here to live?