As someone who was brought up believing that being ‘nice’ was paramount, but being very much drawn to people who weren’t nice (to the extreme), I know firsthand the pitfalls of conflating niceness with self-worth. For years, I navigated life under the assumption that accommodating others, often at my own expense, was the hallmark of a good person. However, this path, as I’ve learned, can lead to a silent struggle with suppressed feelings and unmet needs. This blog reflects on the transformative journey from being a chronic people-pleaser to someone who embraces authentic assertiveness, exploring the nuances of this shift and offering insights into how others can achieve this balance.
So Why Do We Do It? – The People-Pleasing Dilemma:
People-pleasing often stems from a deep-seated desire for acceptance and fear of rejection. It manifests in constantly saying yes, avoiding conflict, and putting others’ needs before one’s own. While this might bring temporary approval, it often leads to internal turmoil, resentment, and a loss of personal identity. The first step in overcoming this habit is understanding it’s roots, recognising its presence and witnessing its impact on our lives.
Understanding the Roots:
The roots of people-pleasing can often be traced back to early life experiences and societal conditioning. Many of us are taught to prioritise harmony over personal truth, leading to a pattern of self-neglect. Identifying these patterns is crucial for change. It involves introspection and sometimes unlearning behaviors that have long been considered virtues.
The Power of Authenticity:
Being authentic means embracing and expressing your true self, including your desires, opinions, and boundaries. It’s about being honest with yourself and others, even if it means going against the grain. Authenticity breeds respect, both self-respect and respect from others, and paves the way for more genuine relationships.
Learning Assertiveness:
Assertiveness is not about being aggressive or dominant; it’s about being honest and respectful in expressing one’s needs and opinions. Developing assertiveness involves practicing clear communication, setting boundaries, and learning to say no without guilt. It’s a skill that requires patience and persistence but pays off in immense personal growth and better interpersonal dynamics.
Dealing with Conflict and Criticism:
A major fear in abandoning people-pleasing is facing conflict and criticism. However, conflict can be healthy and constructive when handled assertively. Learning to view criticism objectively, without letting it impact your self-worth, is a vital part of this journey.
Practical Steps and Exercises:
To cultivate assertiveness, start with small steps. Practice expressing your opinion on minor issues, learn to turn down requests gently but firmly, and pay attention to your feelings and needs. Reflective exercises, like journaling your thoughts and reactions to daily interactions, can provide valuable insights.
The transition from a people-pleaser to an assertively authentic individual is not just about changing behaviours; it’s about a profound shift in self-perception and interaction with the world. It’s a journey towards a more fulfilling and honest life, where your actions align with your true self. Remember, being nice is commendable, but being authentic is liberating.
Jen May is a passionate coach specialising in female empowerment and self-expression. She is dedicated to guiding women to follow their wild hearts and discover new pathways to freedom and strength. With over 20 years of experience in the entertainment industry, Jen brings rich expertise to her coaching practice. She is certified in NLP(ABNLP), EFT, TFT(ATFT), Life Coaching(MASC), and Hypnotherapy(ABH).
Jen invites you to embrace the mystery of life, to connect with the wildness of your soul, the depth of your emotions, and the power of your unique voice. Together, you will explore the beauty of being fully alive, embracing the challenges and joys of life with an open and resilient heart. Her coaching is a profound call to transformation, to find your voice, and to step into the light of your true Self.